Connection and Closeness

Since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, we have had to change nearly everything about the way we live our lives. Many of us have had to cease working, meeting a friend at our favorite restaurant seems like a distant memory, and traveling to see those we love has become unthinkable. Being forced into our homes with no one but pets and our immediate family or loved ones has been very challenging for many of us, but it has done some wondrous things for us as well.

For the first time in years I have been reaching out to more people that I never take the time to get in contact with, and not just through the standard text but over voice calls and video calls. It’s always refreshing to see someone’s face. According to the statistics and the experience of others I am staying in contact with I am not the only one who is changing the way I interact with people. It would seem this era of social distancing has brought us all closer together.

I think one of the major contributing factors is, we have time now. Before we had so many demands and there was always this need to be on the go, there was always something to do, always something that needed to take our attention away from those that we love. I believe this to be one of the major factors contributing to an overall sense of a lack of satisfaction with our lives.

When we stay so busy all the time we never take the time to acknowledge how inherently alone we are. When I work with clients, one of the many questions I find myself asking people is, “when was the last time someone asked you what you needed?” The answers I get to that range from “well… never…” to “maybe on my birthday or anniversary…” and I find that alarming. Why do we not take the time to check in on each other? Likely because, we often feel there isn’t enough time, and as a result we lose the ability to nurture the relationships that are the most dear to us.

During this time we no longer have the excuse and have been finding new ways to stay connected or feel like we have some sense of belonging with others in the world. From what many are saying, this has been extremely rewarding to connect deeper with those we long to be spending time with. It has shown us how important it is for our emotional survival to develop deeper more meaningful connections with others.

Myself, being a person who really enjoys intimate physical contact it has forced me to find new ways to experience the intimacy I seek. in the first few weeks of social distancing I noticed how much I truly crave physical human contact and I experienced some intense withdrawal symptoms. Like this new feeling that was almost like my skin was thirsty for human contact. The idea of holding someone close to me, feeling their breath, feeling their heart beat or just the softness of their skin gave me such a deep feeling of sadness, but it gave me a sense of gratitude for all the moments I had those things and took them for granted, and gives me hope for the days when I will have that again.

There are so many of us now feeling the immense loneliness of social distancing so it is important now more than ever that we reach out and connect with those we need the most. It’s important however to evaluate where there are safe places in which you can explore closeness. Intimacy is such a wonderful thing, but not everyone is capable of it, nor are they capable of reciprocating it. So choose those who you would engage with carefully. Think of your tried and true friends, your confidants, the ones who have held space for you in the past.

Among the many other changes this quarantine is having on our collective psyche, it also seems to be coercing us into reevaluating the positions of people in our lives. There’s nothing like calamity to teach us who our real true friends are. Times of duress tend to bring out the worst, but also the best in people. So if you are witnessing emergent traits of those in your life, pay attention to those observations, maybe there is something you can do to snap them back into who they are. Fear often times can often create strange reactions in the best of people.

If greater intimacy is what we seek, then we must learn to be vulnerable and available. So if there is someone you are looking to experience a deeper connection with, try sharing something more intimate about yourself. You would be amazed at how many doors we can open through sharing our inner most thoughts. It can be scary, but the relationships that you foster will be deeper and more rewarding.

So what are you doing today to fill your cup? This is another question I often bring up to my clients. Once we identify your core values we start to think about ways each day in which we are working towards filling each of those “cups”. Thinking in this way can help us identify areas in our lives which are lacking the qualities we feel we deserve, but it can also offer us an important tool to seek more long term fulfillment in each moment of our lives.

So everyone, be safe, stay healthy and stay well. I know that social isolation is getting to us all, but it is important now more than ever to abide the guidelines that are set in place by government officials. No one is doing this to punish us, these things are meant to keep us safe and not protect only us but all of those who we choose to be in contact with. Think back on an old friend you have lost touch with, think back on a family member who maybe would love a phone call from you today, think back on an old coworker who has moved on in a new career that you have always been curious about. Reach out to them, because now. There is time. So use it to the best of your ability.

Photo Credit: Jeremy Collings      twitter: @JeremyCollings      jeremy.collings@cortland.edu